15 07 2008

There’s been talk about who killed JFK, there’s been quiet words questioning whether or not the Apollo ever landed on the mood, and there has even been talk about September 11th.  But as of yet, this subject clearly has not been given its due.  Yes, I am referring to the horrific conspiracy that is being waged against our illustrious Teddy Roosevelt.  This is related to no major event in history but something that I witnessed with my own eyes.

The authors of are true Americans, they are standing up for Teddy, documenting what has occurred and they deserve our heartfelt praise and thanks.

The stats speak for themselves, in the past year and a half there have been 130 officially sanctioned President races and not once has Teddy Roosevelt won.

Current 2008 Standings

Abraham Lincoln 29
Thomas Jefferson 10
George Washington 10
Teddy Roosevelt 0

Final 2007 Standings

George Washington 33
Thomas Jefferson 26
Abraham Lincoln 22
Teddy Roosevelt 0

Now, I understand how it could be tough to beat George Washington, he was a badass and one tough dude.  Abe Lincoln has those super-human long legs, I can see how that would be tough to compete with.  But come on! Thomas Jefferson?  He loved reading, writing, interior design not exactly a frightening athletic specimen.  Teddy Roosevelt on the other hand, was a boxer, a rower and a war hero, and yet for some reason he just can’t seem to win the President Race.  Not once in 130 tries.  I think there is something wrong here

It is obvious that Teddy will do anything to win (he has ridden in a rickshaw, taken a zipline, cut corners) and been disqualified a few times along the way.  But something has to give.  He has also been attacked by a panther twice, tripped by the Baltimore Oriole and been distracted by a man in a penguin costume.

I still have faith though, he’s bound to win one soon enough




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